"Some days aren't yours at all. They come and go as if they were someone else's days."
These are the lyrics from a song by Regina Spektor called "Somedays". Interesting song. Listen if you like.
I've been waking up more frequently these days with this song in my head. Singing it to myself throughout the day.
I have a condition of some sort. I'm certain of this. Perhaps it's just the human condition. I feel like... I feel like a lot of people out there can relate to it... yet how to describe it?
I wake up not looking forward to the day... not dreading it either.... just, preparing to go through it. And I go through it. And there are parts that I enjoy and parts that I don't and mostly just parts that pass meaninglessly.
There's a feeling, a thought, in my head and in my gut. Dissatisfaction. And despite the dissatisfaction, likewise I have a lack of motivation. Maybe it's cus I don't know where I'm going. Maybe I just don't care to get there.
I honestly don't even know what to say. It took motivation to finally sit down and write a little bit, and as a result, I'm no longer in the full state of mind of this... this illness.
It may not even be a real illness. It's in my head and in my gut. But it causes me to lack. To not live as I could. I go to classes, but I'm good about missing them. That lack of motivation. I'm realizing that I've got a good job that pays well and gives me the hours I need. I'm not likely to ever lose the job, despite the economy. I could work it the rest of my life and live on my own, passing each day, over and over. I don't have to go to school. I could just move along with how I am.
But I look at how I am and realize that I don't want this for the rest of my life. I don't even want it now. I don't like the feelings that I feel. I want to succeed and be something...
But I tell ya what, I sure don't have the motivation to go anywhere else.
I'm confused. I don't like it. And I feel very stuck.
