Go here

Signing In...

I'm co-writing this blog with my lovely girlfriend, Sarah LuluZuluZuzu... so go there: http://zuzuheartsam.blogspot.com/

...Signing Off

BLOG FAIL!

Signing in...

Whatever happened to daily blogs?  Hahahaha... Yeah, well, I've always been good at setting lofty goals.

So this is my first post in... how long?  A month?  Something like that, I imagine...

By the way, I have not abandoned the story I started with you people's wonderful help... I've just neglected to work on it... you know, school and grad stuff and work and going out of town like... every week.  Well not quite.  Whatever.

I haven't even mentioned that I am dating this AMAZING girl!

We call her Zuzu.  She's a princess.  Yeah, I'm dating a princess.  It's pretty legit.

Princess Zuzu.  Oh?  You've never heard of her?  She's one of those cases like you find in The Princess Diaries. Not see it?  You're one of few.  It is very very good and if you don't like it, then you have terrible taste in movies.  My word is law.

Wow, I think I'm a bit slap-happy from staying up so late... REACHING 4:00!

Speaking of not seeing movies that every other person on the planet has seen (don't correct me here), Princess Zuzu seems to have a knack for that.  Out of my top ten movies, she's seen maybe two or three of them... and one of those was only because I begged her to watch.  Sheesh.  Talk about missing out.

Of course, she's the kinda girl who has read all these obscure books that I've never heard of...

I like books.

Do you know what I've realized, there are many times throughout this blog that I have said, "I will talk about that in the future."

...not sure that's ever happened.

Do you see a running theme here?  I'm very good at saying I'll do something and then not doing it...

...ach.

Well we've all got our vices, yeah?  That's but one of mine.

Remind me to do something though, and you increase the chances that I get it done by a good amount!  Long as you're not my parents... haha....

SPEAKING OF MY PARENTS!  They did a very wonderful, extremely unexpected thing.  I am typing this blog post from a brand new Dell Laptop!  It is such a beautiful work of art.  Thank you Mom and Dad!

...that about ends my ramble.  I'm back!  Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

...signing off.

Edit 2 hours later:  I seem to have managed to pull an all-nighter... I've hit 6:00.  Ick.
Edit again:  I wasn't exactly comparing Princess Zuzu to the gal that Anne Hathaway plays. (I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that her name is the same as Shakespeare's wife's.)  Rather, I was just comparing her (fictional) situation to her... umm, Mia?  That sounds right...

Caged, Chapter One

Signing in...

This is the first chapter of the community fiction I mentioned in this post. I think it started off fairly well, as I suspected, it completely built off of the characters... primarily here at first, off of Sarah's Emily Miller.  Thanks Sarah.  =)  Also, thank you Sara Stacey for the character you contributed.  It was Andromedea that inspired the "ability" that resides within Emily.  And don't worry, Andromedea will definitely make a (major) appearance later on.

At this point, I don't really have a strong direction.  I'm kinda just going with this.  This whole first chapter just evolved as I wrote it.  Like I said though, I think it's definitely started well.  I like it.

I dedicate this first chapter to the previously mentioned Sarah.  It was her pokemon fanfic that inspired me to do this in the first place and also, as I already mentioned, her character that got the story rolling.  Thanks a billion, Sarah!

Btw, the title is kinda just something random I came up with.  It will most likely change in the future.

And without further ado...

Caged, Chapter One, 1, I

The tamarin peered down at the simple girl who had entered its cage with an assortment of fruit for its morning meal.  The tamarin’s brother swung, climbed, and scampered down from the branches in which he had been sleeping until the creak of the gate had wakened him.

“There ya go, Michael.  Hope you enjoy it!” the girl said sweetly, holding out a hand in accordance with custom.  As was natural on these mornings when the girl was the one to bring in the food, Michael jumped straight up and gave the girl’s hand a slap before picking up a piece of fruit and nibbling on it.

“Sam, are you gonna come down also or just stay up there all morning, you lazy bum?”  Ignoring the allure that the girl always had, unlike most humans that passed by or even most of the other zookeepers like her, Sam neglected to come down.  Still, to show her that he wasn’t just being lazy, but rather just didn’t have an appetite, he jumped into a nearby nest of branches and settled down, letting his long, golden-brown hair, slightly damp with the morning dew, soak up the warm sun.

“Well, fine then!  See if I care!” she said with a fake annoyance.  As she left the cage and closed the gate behind her, she called back up to him with a large smile, “See you tomorrow morning, Sam!”

“Her name is Emily Miller.  She’ll be a senior next fall at Southwest High and works here five mornings a week during the summer.  This is her third summer here and tends to get along well with most of the animals she works with.  Beyond her excellent work ethic, she has no outstanding accomplishments or other characteristics to set her apart from the crowd,” said a tall, pale, and thin man in his forties, reading from a clipboard to his partner next to him, a shorter but equally pale and thin figure.  They were sitting on a bench just within hearing distance of the Golden Lion Tamarin exhibit.  The girl, Emily, shuffled passed them without acknowledgement.

“Hey there!” said the shorter one with a crooked smile.  “Excellent morning, isn’t it?”

“Er, yeah,” Emily replied softly with a tiny smile as she quickly continued on her way.

“So, that’s our objective?” asked the shorter man, also roughly ten years the other man’s junior, once the girl was out of hearing distance.

“Yes.  Daughter of Patrick and Stacy Miller.  Youngest of four and the only female child.  She keeps average grades in school and-”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.  Get to the important parts, Catch,” cut in the younger man impatiently.

“I was just about to get to that, Press,” Catch replied sternly with a slight air or authority in his voice.  “As you should have seen, she has a way with animals.  They react with energy when she is around and while they most likely do not actually understand her words, it seems likely that they can better sense her intentions than with most people.”

“Okaaay,” Press replied, now slightly annoyed in return.  “Jeez, how did I get paired with such a stick in the mud like you anyway?”

“Don’t complain,” Catch said flatly.

Press stood up and stretched his legs.  “Well, are we gonna get after it or just sit here all day?”

“So long, Daniel!” said Emily cheerfully as she headed towards the exit, finished with her duties for the day.  Daniel was one of Emily’s managers, the one who had hired her the summer before her sophomore year, and one of the very few people Emily was comfortable talking to.  Only a year her elder, he had started working at the zoo at a relatively young age due to his family connections to the head zoo-keeper.  His experience toppled with strong leadership skills had raised him to manager status by his sophomore year in high school.  Having now graduated, this was his last summer at the zoo before he would be moving one hundred miles away to attend college.

Before Daniel even had a chance to say anything in reply, the seventeen-year-old girl was out the door and headed to her beat-up hand-me-down silver sedan.  Collecting himself, he ran through the door and after her.  Emily looked back with surprise at the approaching footsteps.  “Did I forget something?” she inquired.

“No no,” he said as he slowed to a trot and then stopped next to her with a bit of a smile.  “You know, this is my last summer in Tripton.  I’ve put this off for far too long as it is.” He stopped, beginning to fidget with his fingers and slightly stammer.  Emily’s heart on the other hand, began to race and a radiant smile slowly crept onto her face.  Daniel continued, “So… so, I was hoping that maybe… well, that maybe you’d like to attend the festival with me.”  He paused as Emily smiled up at him, and gaining confidence, went on, “You know, it’s always fun to just wander around and see what there is to do by the river side during the fest.  It’ll be fun and...” he spit out this last part extra quickly, “I’d love to be able to spend the time with you.”

Emily, unable to respond, just wrapped her hands around him above his waste and buried her head into his chest for a few seconds before retreating and, now blushing, said with radiance, “I’d love to!”  Without a second thought, she spun around and ran off to her car, leaving a slightly stunned Daniel standing in the middle of the parking lot.

Catch and Press, observing the exchange from afar, watched as Daniel walked with a jovial briskness back into the zoo.

“Aww, now wasn’t that cute?” Press cooed.

Catch, unaffected in the slightest, replied, “If you say so.  It’s fortunate that this is the farthest extent of a romantic relationship she has.  It will be easy to break.”

“Well aren’t you a heart breaker, hmm?”

“Simply doing my job.  As you also should be doing.”

“Hey!” said Press defensively, “who says I’m not?”

“I do.”

Inside the safety of her Camry, Emily let her heart’s beating slow to a normal rate.  She had been kind of hoping for this for a while, but never actually believed Daniel actually held a real interest in her.  It was all she could do to keep from running back to him and giving him another hug.  That could wait.  She’d get another hug in time.  Another wonderful hug.

Next to her in the passenger’s seat, her cell phone buzzed.  It was a text message from her best friend, Natalie.  It read, “Hey Emmy whatcha up to this afternoon? ~Living Like My Last Day”

She replied, whispering what she typed to herself as she entered it into her phone, “Nothing planned. Why? Just got off work.”  She hit send as she thought, “I’ll tell her about Daniel the next time I see her in person.”

Natalie’s reply came quickly, “Great! I’m going for a walk at the park.  Wanna come? ~Living Like My Last Day”

Emily texted her that it sounded like an excellent idea and that she’d meet her there after changing out of her work clothes.  Setting the phone back onto the seat, she turned the ignition and the car started up.

Emily lived only a few miles away from the zoo, just on the other side of the river.  As she approached the bridge that would bring her to the west side, Emily noticed with great alarm that the gas pedal was pushing in of its own accord, quickly increasing her speed from thirty-five to fifty.  To further intensify her anxiety, the brake pedal seemed to be doing absolutely nothing, regardless of how far down she pushed it.  Before she could react in any other way, the wheel suddenly turned right violently, sending her off the road right before the bridge and straight into the torrent below.

“Holy shit!  That worked better than I expected!” exclaimed Press, watching the scene from the back of a van about one hundred yards offshore downstream.

“She better not be dead,” said Catch in his normal monotone.

“I assure you she’s perfectly fine,” Press paused, “well, er, maybe not fine, but she’s definitely not dead.”  He waited for some kind of reaction from Catch. Receiving nothing, he continued, somewhat awkwardly, “Right, um, I’ll go get her now.”

The next morning, Sam awoke earlier than usual; having suffered a series of terrifying dreams in which he’d watched Emily endure various forms of torture.  Trying to distract himself from the memory of the dreams, he scampered up and down and through the trees that made up his habitat.  Still, the dread that had accompanied the dreams remained and so he finally settled down in his favorite nest, waiting patiently for Emily to come as she’d promised the previous morning.  This time he would come down promptly and maybe even give her a hug if she crouched down to his level.  Time moved by slowly as the morning got brighter and brighter and the hunger gnawing at his stomach grew stronger and stronger.  She would be here any moment; she was never more than a few minutes late.  He’d see her walk around the bend in no more than a couple minutes.  He could hardly contain his excitement at the prospect of seeing the only being in the world he cared about besides Michael.  She was just about here, he could feel it.

She never came.

--------------------

And there you go!  Chapter one!  So, personally, I think I feel worse for Sam than I do for Daniel.  Haha... 'Course, I am his namesake.  On another note, I really like Catch and Press.  They play off of each other well and I was pleasantly surprised by how naturally they came out.  I was also surprised by the relationship between Emily and Daniel.  Originally, Daniel was simply gonna be a co-worker that Emily was saying goodbye to.  Then I realized that Emily wouldn't do that unless she was close to the co-worker.  Before I knew it, Daniel wasn't just a good friend, but a love interest.  Holy crap, the ways in which characters shape the story! Haha!  Hope it was enjoyable!

Keep in mind that this is aiming to be a community fiction... so while I of course want comments and criticism... I also want YOUR ideas as to where this should go... and of course that includes additional characters you'd like to see make it in.  So stop hesitating!  Leave a comment!  Thanks!

...signing out.

Too Little Time

Signing in...

So much to do, so little time.
The slogan of probably every American.
And most definitely every high school student.
Of course, my situation of "so much to do, so little time" is a great deal my fault (which is often, once again, the case with most people).  I all too easily let myself get distracted by things I'd rather do than what I need to do.
Like writing this blog post.  Not something I need to do.  Something I want to do.
Hmm, I was gonna write daily blog posts.  Maybe that'll happen when I finish my school work.  Maybe.
There's many things I want to do this summer.  Projects of sort.  Plant my garden, fix a broken PS3, build a bed-side table/book shelf like this, only not so much cus the whole books taking up half of the table thing just doesn't quite sit with me.
So the books can go on the sides... yes, both sides.  And it'll be cut to fit specific books, like that one.  Yes.  I have good idea.
I wanna start writing that fiction that I had you all create characters for.
I want to record myself playing Portal 2 for viewing pleasure.  (Of course, the PSN fiasco has to be resolved first.)
I also want to learn a few songs on piano.  Only, I've been wanting to do that since nearly a year ago... I've pretty well given up on that.  Any request to have the family piano tuned goes unheard for the most part.  =/ *sigh* Can't have everything.
But more immediately, I need to finish my school work.  Which requires I stop getting distracted.
You'd think that with 16 waking hours to spend each day, I'd be able to get a lot more done.
Ohhhh, life.
You know what, I'm gonna get back to work now, cus honestly, this is pathetic.
Like the new layout of the blog (changed a few days ago)?  I do.  So you better.
...signing out.

Resist the Feed

Signing in...

First of all, I wanna apologize for the rant my previous blog turned into.  That was not my intention when I started writing it.  I may touch on time more objectively sometime in the future, but until then...
Thanks to many of my friends.  Thanks to you I was able to (peacefully) clear up a lot of misunderstandings as well as a lot of things that'd been going through my head.

So I keep trying to find A Beautiful Lie by 30 Seconds to Mars... checked CD tradepost.  Nope.  Checked Borders with my 40% off coupon.  Nope.  I could prolly find it at Walmart or Target, but I'm too cheap.
I've been buying a lot of music lately.  Two days ago I (finally) bought Feeding the Wolves by 10 Years.  I love 10 Years.  They have some of the most impressive lyrical music these days, in my opinion. Can't believe I took so long grabbing this album.  Highly recommend it, though not as much as I'd recommend The Autumn Effect.  Division is fantastic also, but I'm still the largest fan of their debut album.

To the real subject.  Feed.  M.T. Anderson. This is a masterpiece of a story.  Beyond that, it really speaks out as satire of our society today.  As is typical for any good satire, Anderson puts an exaggerated (or is it not so exaggerated?) twist on our media focused society.
It's dance. It's dance, dance, dance. That's fun. Fun's fun, and fun's what you can have. There's nothing to stop you from fun.
That is the beginning of a typical advertisement that could be literally running through your head right now if you had a feed installed.
The Feed is a transmitter that is implanted in most people's brains at birth.  From that point onward, the Feed starts to create a profile for you, and then sends information, advertisement, and all other sorts of media directly to your brain.  As you engage in different activities and buy different things, that feed becomes more and more tuned to "who you are" and caters to that.  You become constantly bombarded by the media.  And it's normal.  The ability to think for yourself is slowly diminished.  You learn to let the feed tell you what is what.
I stood there wondering what it was that made her so beautiful.  She was looking at us like we were shit.  Her spine.  Maybe it was her spine.  Maybe it wasn't her face.  Her spine was, I didn't know the word.  Her spine was like . . . ?  The feed suggested "supple."
The story revolves around a normal kid raised in an American society where about 3/4 of the population had feeds implanted.  Furthermore, he lived in a normal suburban town where everyone had a feed.  It was easy to forget that some people didn't have them.  Anderson takes the reader into this world through the eyes of this teenage boy, Titus, who ends up meeting a girl named Violet, who still cares about what's happening to the world and challenges the feed.  Before Titus knows it, he finds himself spending more and more time with this abnormal girl.  Titus starts to really think for himself when Violet enters his life.  He starts to see how to be himself instead of what the Feed wanted him to be - a mindless consumer.
It was like she took my hand, or I took her hand, and we ducked through doorways, and together we went to an odd place, and it was a new place.  We went there holding hands.
The reader quickly gets just as caught up in Violet as Titus does, but from the very beginning, things are obviously going wrong.  And that fear of what the feed is doing slowly grows as the story goes by page by page.  Likewise, as the thrill of being with Violet and see the world in this whole new way starts to wain, Titus starts to become fearful of leaving what he has grown up believing.  He fears rejecting the feed.
The story extends beyond just the problems presented by a society that supports constant exposure to the media.  To consumerism.  It extends into a heart-wrenching story that left me throwing the book at the wall in the end.  It shows the kind of selfishness that comes out of a society like this.  It shows us how the "feed" can tear people apart.  How it can destroy everything that truly makes us human.
And it shows us how to resist it.
I couldn't recommend this enough, and I feel like I can't explain how wonderful a read it is without ruining it.
In my opinion, this is a must read for absolutely anyone and everyone.  And it's a relatively fast read anyway.  So please, go to the library, go to Borders, grab it off Amazon.  Borrow it from a friend.  Whatever.  READ IT.
Thanks. =)

Note:  You'll notice the collage of pictures and links I added to this post.  Their primary purpose is to give you a little idea of what I'm talking about.  The links go to Amazon, which generally has some kind of review and description of the product.  Use 'em if you like.  That's up to you.  Furthermore, if you end up buying a product I linked you to, I get a small referral.  Don't make that buy something you weren't already going to, though.  =)  Thanks for reading.

...signing out.

Time

Signing in...

I realized today more fully that people all too easily get caught up in time.

I mean, what is time but a method invented to keep track of when things have and will happen.  Quantifying time really isn't very possible.  All time truly measures is rotations of the earth in relationship to its orbit around the sun.  Ever had time "slow down" or "speed up"?  It comes down to how quickly our brains are processing information.  We are processing events and information much more quickly when we are enjoying ourselves or working hard.  This is why time can seem to "fly by".  On the other hand, when we're just idly passing time by, it seems to go much slower.  This is definitely our brains at work.

Essentially, one day can last much longer for a certain individual than it may for another.

That was my attempt at explaining time.  Basically, it's very, very relative.

Let me come to the points that spurred this.

This may go over some heads.  Some of you may think it's silly.  I believe it's true.  From the bottom of my heart.

I love my children.  Immensely.

"Now hold on a second," you say.  "You don't have any children.  You're 18."

Yeah.  At this "time", I don't have any children.  But I will.  I know this.  Now I could never explain to you why I know this, hell, I can't even explain it to myself.  But I KNOW I will have children.  And my love for them is larger than anything I have ever known. "How could you love someone who doesn't exist?"  They exist.  I just don't know them yet.  I haven't met them. They're existence hasn't met this world's "time" yet.  But it will.  And I look forward so much to meeting them.  Love exists outside of time.  Love isn't something of the brain... but of the heart and soul.

Second point.  This has more to do with time being relative to different people.

I tend to spend a lot of time thinking.  I think and I pray and then I do both at the same time, turning my thoughts into a conversation with God.  In a relatively short amount of time I can come to a decision that will affect my life substantially.  I don't need weeks to mull over a decision.  Essentially, I'm just going to keep having the same ideas, the same thoughts go through my head over and over again if I do that.

What I'm getting to is that the "time" I need for any kind of mental process is generally shorter than most other people.

Rather than skirt around what I'm trying to say like I often do, I'll just say it.  Close to two months ago, my long-time girlfriend and I broke up.  More technically, I broke up with her.  I had many reasons, and I'm not going to get into them here.  The problem that I'm running into is that many people think I've "gotten over" the relationship too quickly.  My argument is, what determines how long is "long enough"? There is no set amount of time that is required for becoming emotionally detached from someone.  It could take much, much longer for one person than another.  Of course, one has to take into account that my process of detachment did start before the break-up, but nonetheless, I admit, I didn't take long to "move on." And this is upsetting some people.  To me, I feel like transitions shouldn't have to take long if they don't need to.  I see no reason for me to elongate the break-up if it's not necessary.  It was a high school relationship.  It was intimate, yes.  We were close, yes.  But why ignore happiness when it's standing in front of you?

I don't feel required to conform to the idea that I should remain upset by the break-up.

Happiness is standing in front of me.

So the other problem arises.  I have grown close to a particular friend very quickly.  I have noticed this, my friend has noticed this; my other friends have noticed this.  But why not?  Why does "moving fast" have a negative connotation?  I'm a runner.  I like fast.  =P

It's not that I don't think things through.  I already clarified this.  It's not that I just grab feelings and let them take me for a joy-ride.  I'm careful, and take my steps with caution.

But there's such a thing as being too careful.  There's such a thing as missing something wonderful because you weren't willing to take the risk.

The past few weeks rank among the best I have had my entire high school career.  Why is this a bad thing?

This has sort of turned into a rant, and I apologize.  It's just that I feel attacked.  I feel like people are jumping to conclusions and not even taking the time to realize that I am conscious of what is going on... and that I'm so very happy.

To end, there's something to consider.  I realize that I make mistake in my decisions.  Many of my decisions I am now ashamed of.  But I'm not going to get down because of them, I'm going to learn from them.  Furthermore, I'm not going to lose trust in myself because I've made poor decisions in the past.  I realize I'm human and I realize that there are many things I do know know and do not understand.  But if I can't trust myself, then I can't trust anything.  Not even God.  So I will trust myself, because I know I have learned from my past and I know that God will continue to guide me, as I have watched him do so many times.  I hope others can trust me as well.

...signing out.

Weekly Fiction... I NEED CHARACTERS!

Signing in...

Okay, so I've always enjoyed writing fiction, but I haven't done much of it lately.  So, I'd like to try my hand at a fiction with weekly... possibly bi-weekly releases.  For it, though, I want YOU GUYS to give me some characters.  Sure, I could come up with them all myself, but it just isn't as fun that way.
Furthermore, as the story progresses, I'd like to hear your opinions and thoughts on how it should continue.  I may or may not use your idea, but I like the idea of building it off of the community.
Not that there's exactly a large community here...
So give me a character.  Give me a description of their personality, background, and appearance.  I may (very well will actually) tweak the character a little bit, but I'll try to stay fairly true to the character.  I'd like to use all the characters suggested, even if they're just minor roles, and will also always be open to new suggestions.
I think this will be fun, so I look forward to your contributions.
In case you didn't realize, you can comment, even if you don't have a google account.  You can just use a fill-in name or even comment as anonymous.
SO I BETTER GET A LOT OF REPLIES ON THIS BLOG POST.

...signing out.

Traveling and Other Homes

Signing in...

Been a super busy week.  But in a good way.  Busy like... spring break busy.  Full of awesomeness.
Anyway, my dear friend Zuzu notified me that the people were deprived due to my lack of blogging.  I'm sorry.  I seemed to only be able to do daily blogs for a week and a half or something.  Maybe I can get back to it.  I've always got something on my mind.

Soda comparison.

What's your favorite soda?  I prolly would either go for Dr. Pepper or Mountain Dew Voltage.  I really don't like the taste of regular Mountain Dew anymore... I've become too use to Voltage.

Actually, I'm not gonna compare.  Just state.  So again, what do you like best?

I've been traveling a lot.  Traveling to visit a friend.  Traveling to visit K-State, which I'm attending starting next fall semester. I got to stay overnight at the fraternity I'm joining with a couple friends.  Great guys there.  Great place.

But anyway, I love traveling.  Driving.  I don't mind that I spent nine hours traveling in total between the two trips.  Enjoyed it actually.  Except the last half hour before I returned "home".
"Home" has become considerably more home-like recently actually.  But I still just don't feel quite right here.  Just getting out of the house does wonders.  I'll go for a bike ride, hang out next to a creek that runs near where I live, or just drive to Borders or something.  More than that though, I like getting out of Wichita.

Maybe it's cus I'm ready to start college.  Maybe it's cus I really want the freedom that comes with being away from Wichita.  Maybe I'm just a bit tired of the place.  Whatever it is though, I definitely like leaving town.  The longer the better.  I really like visiting my friend in her small town.  It's a nice place and I feel very much at peace when I'm there.  It's the kind of place I want to live in when I'm older.  The kind of place I'd like to establish my Soda Fountain at.  The kind of place I'd like to raise kids at... hmm.

My "wanting to get out" doesn't really extend beyond Kansas.  I love Kansas.  I use to detest the flatness of it.  I thought it was null.  (Null - slang from Feed!  Will talk about this in the future!)  Not anymore though.  While I absolutely love a nice trip to the Rockies (after Kansas, Colorado and New Mexico are my favorite states), Kansas is definitely home and definitely where I feel right in.  I like the Flint Hills.  (Yay for moving to Manhappiness!)

I guess these days I find my home more in where I expect to be in the future.  This is maybe not the best train of thought... but then again, it's not like I'm not living in the present.  Actually, I think I am now more than ever.  It's just I know where I'm headed.  I know where I find and will continue to find a certain joy and peace.  I'm content with where I am.  But there's something more in going out and being in these "places of the future."

...signing out.

Thoughts on Past Thoughts

Signing in...

Okay, so I realize that I've neglected the blog for the past three days.  I blame life for getting in the way.
My next few blogs will probably be in the form of book reviews/commentaries.  More like commentaries.
Completely changing the subject...

Rhetorical question:  Have you ever had something you want to say, something you practically need to say... not just to a person or a few but to the whole world?  Well, I'm sure you have.  Bad part is when you can't.  Or, I s'pose you could, but is it really a good idea?  It could lead to misjudgments... misunderstandings.
No, I'm not trying to come out of the closet.
People think in so many different ways.  You find people who think very similarly to me, while there's others who think on a completely different plane.  Sometimes I guy's gotta wish that everyone could just think like him for one minute.  To see everything, feel everything, in the way he does.
Life can be hella aggravating at times.
The problem is, you can hope for the best, but the best never happens.   Not in this world.  There's always snags; complications.
Other problem is, you're always growing, you're always learning; gaining wisdom and knowledge.  And in that, you often end up going against your word when your opinion, ideas, or ideals change.  I mean, there are things I said four years ago that I completely disagree with now.  I remember saying to myself (and others) that when I was a parent, I would let my children date as soon as they like.  Well, I s'pose actually that still holds true, but for a completely different reason and within completely different context.  I'm not gonna say anything more bout that thought unless someone asks me to.
There's also plenty of things that I said a year ago, six months ago, three months ago, and even just one month ago that I've altered my views on.  Quite often, it's not a matter of completely opposing what I use to think, but rather, that my thoughts and ideals have changed; rather, evolved.  Often the core idea remains unchanged, but it's the details (important ones often) that change.
Sometimes experiences change my thoughts and values.  Sometimes people do.  Sometimes literature does. (Literature, to me, includes books, music, movies, games, etc.) Sometimes prayer does.  I believe God is always trying to speak to me.  Sometimes I listen.  Sometimes I don't.
I s'pose a good thing to be able to realize is which ideals and values are fast and non-changing and which ones are subject to change.
Example:  I am firmly and unwaveringly against abortion and the use of contraceptives.  (Another subject I'm not gonna touch on further.)  This is something that is unchanging.  On the other hand, my opinion on dating and relationships is ever changing and evolving.  As I gain more experience, watch others, and pray, I continue to develop on my opinions of dating and relationships.  I recently came up with a pretty concrete idea of what I believed about dating, but it's still subject to change and has changed and evolved to some degree since I wrote down my opinions around a month ago. Still the core idea hasn't shifted all too much since I first started forming an opinion five or six years ago. (I'll most likely go into deeper depth on my opinions on dating and relationships in a future blog.)  Anyway, perhaps it's a good idea to make sure that both other as well as yourself realizes when an opinion is likely to change.
Obviously, this whole time I've been avoiding what's truly on my mind and obviously I'm not gonna say what it is.
If you wanted to know, too bad.  If you didn't, well then lucky you.
I've got a lot of things to think on.  Think I'll get to that... or maybe sleeping.  Hah...
Thanks for reading.

...signing out.

Confirmation

Signing in...

Today my little sister got confirmed in the Catholic Church!  I'm so happy for her!  Furthermore, I was her sponsor!  Woo!  I pray I can be a good example and guide for her.

A short post cus I'm tired from the day.  I think I may get to sleep at a decent time for once.  =)

Oh, I had buttered popcorn today instead of that 97% fat free crap!  I was so happy!

...signing out.

Midnight Snack

Signing in...

As I've mentioned a few times previously, I've got a bit of a problem with insomnia.  So, often as the night hours trudge by, I grow hungry.  So what do I eat?

I often reach for tortilla chips and salsa.  I LOVE salsa.  Unfortunately, I often go through that salsa much too fast.

I should create a stash of it myself like I did with pop.

Option B is a bowl of cereal.  I'll eat cereal practically anytime of the day.  A few times I've gone an entire day only eating cereal.

Option B is what I'm partaking in right now.

Sometimes I'll get a little more inventive.  For instance, I'll toast some bread, grab some cheese, lay it on the bread stick it back in the toaster oven and broil it for about half a minute and walah! I have nice little snack.

In the vein of toast, there's always the option of buttering some toast and and sprinkling it with cinnamon sugar.  FANTASTIC.

What do you put in a toaster?  Think about it...  No, you don't put toast into a toaster you dimwit, you put in bread!  Toast comes out of the toaster!  Geez.

Oh, by the way, I finished rereading Eragon, but I'll talk about that some other time.

So, what do you like to snack on?  Sometimes I'll go for peanut butter and celery.  Mmmm.  Crunchy beats smooth any day.  I don't care what you say.

My dad is allergic to peanut butter... haha.

I'm sorry, it's not nice to laugh at other people's pain.  I get it way too much.

So there are my random thoughts for the day.

...Signing out.

My Artifact Deck - Extended Play

Signing in...

I really don't know what it is I wanna talk about today.  The day was rather uneventful as my friend Zuzu put it, not to say it wasn't good.

Mmm, I've nearly perfected my artifact deck.

*shifts into Magic: The Gathering mode.*

Yeah, the rest of this post will be about my deck.  If you're not interested, you may as well stop reading now.

The deck centralizes around boosting the effectiveness of the Modular mechanic from the Mirrodin block with the Proliferate mechanic from the current block, Scars.  For those who are unfamiliar, Modular has the creature enter the battlefield with a specified number of +1/+1 counters on it.  Then, in the event that the creature is sent to the graveyard, you may move those counters to another artifact creature you control.  Proliferate allows me to abuse this.  When I "Proliferate", on permanents and players with with counters on them, I'm allowed to place an additional counter of that type.  Obviously, this allows me to increase the number of +1/+1 counters on my creatures quickly.

So, obviously, the basic idea is to play my Modular creatures and then proliferate their counters.  I proliferate via Contagion Clasp and Throne of Geth. Contagion Clasp is multipurpose.  Early game, it works fantastically for taking out weaker creatures that could present a problem or for the purpose of slowing down the opponent.  (Llanowar Elves and Eldrazi Spawn anybody?)  Later in the game, it can be used for placing a -1/-1 counter on a strong opposing creature and quickly proliferating it down to a manageable level.

I can easily abuse Throne of Geth via a couple different methods.  The first is with my beloved Metallurgeons. When I need an artifact to sac, I can sac the Metallurgeon and then regenerate it. *pause for 10 while Sam looks into some rules* ....Oh... scratch that, I looked into that more and found out I'm wrong.  Now I have more incentive to remove them... especially since I'm running Arcbound Reclaimer, my other way of abusing Throne of Geth!  Obviously, using the Reclaimer I can regain artifacts that I end up sacrificing.  I won't necessarily do this is all cases, but it can be very useful at times.  One instance in which it can be particularly useful is when I use up all the charge counters on a Pentad Prism.  Just sac the Prism and then get it back the following turn, returning it to play with two charge counters on it.  (Assuming I have both a plains and an island in play.)  Speaking of the prisms, those can end up accelerating my mana very quickly with proliferate on my side.  Oh, also, Throne of Geth can be used to activate the Modular ability on my creatures.  Say it would be better to have all my counters on a creature with flying rather than split between two- one with and one without flying.  Using the Throne, I can sac the non-flying modular creature moving all of its tokens to the one with flying, and then I get to proliferate to boot!  Hella!

By throwing in Ajani Goldmane and Steel Overseer, I create some addition make-shift proliferation.  With everything thrown together, the deck quickly becomes overpowering and very enjoyable to play with.

When I was initially conceptualizing this deck, I was of course immediately attracted to cards like Arcbound Fiend and Arcbound Lancer.  I quickly realized though that the real power of the deck exists in the small modular creatures like Arcbound Stinger.  I can quickly get multiple modular creatures out with those.  By toppling the proliferate with the modular mechanics, I can end up with a nasty Arcbound Stinger way before an Arcbound Fiend is ready to enter the battlefield.  Even in late game, when I have plenty of mana to spare, it's much better used proliferating and playing the smaller creatures rather than spending it all on one larger one.

So there's the basic idea behind my deck.  If you have suggestions for improving it, please do share.  Anyway, thanks for reading!

...signing out.

A Midday Poem

Signing in...

Look at that lazy cat
Orange, fluffy, and a little fat.
He lays in that sun of Kansas
as he falls asleep on my mattress.
Just as he tires of that place to snooze
He gets up so he can lay on my shoes.
Oh, how'd I love to be a lazy cat
Orange, fluffy, and a little fat.


(Oh dear, he's glaring at me.)

...signing out.

Storms

Signing in...

Ah wow.  How bout that weather?  It started storming here a few hours ago.  The wind had been blowing pretty hard all day, but then the clouds moved in, lightning started to flash, and a few rain drops started to fall... and the wind, oh my, boy did it pick up.  I ran outside and just yelled at the top of my lungs.  Called a friend and yelled at her too.  It was fantastic.  Spun around a bit and just enjoyed the chilled wind nearly blowing me over... feeling the periodic large rain drop splash on my face.

Then I had to go inside cus people thought I was gonna be struck by lightning, haha.  But I tell ya, hardly anything can make me feel as alive as a storm can.  If the rain had picked up a little more, it woulda been perfect, but I'm not complaining.  (Oh!  11:11!  Make a wish!)  Anyway, just enjoying the weather today.  Like many days have been lately, it's been a fantastic one.  Hope you're all doing swell yourselves.  Thanks for reading.

...signing out.

A Good Day

Signing in...

It's 11:30 and my day is pretty well wrapping up. I'm going to be going to sleep with a smile on my face, and it's all due to the fantastic people God has put into my life.

I woke up in a pretty shitty mood. I'd gone to bed in kinda an off mood, (despite the evening being fantastic) and woken up in an even worse one due to a dream. I ended up going over to my friend, Michael's, house to play games and whatnot. If I ever wanna escape high school drama (ugh), I can count on him. He never involves himself with that kind of thing ever... let alone does he ever start it. It's pretty easy to just hang out, goof off, and just plain have fun when I'm with him. So thanks buddy. =)

Anyway, I was in a little bit better mood when I had to leave and go to work, though not in high spirits by any means. Work is a great place for me when I'm in a crappy mood though. I can just distract myself with cooking and cleaning and not think about anything else. Furthermore, most of my co-workers are great for goofing off with. I think it took them a little while to get use to my crazy personality, but now that they are, I can just be myself and they generally just laugh. It's a good atmosphere, and I'm all about atmosphere.

I was very fortunate that I was able to get off early though, cus there was a dance that a youth region from my diocese was hosting. (In short, a diocese is a lot like a Catholic version of a state... although a bit smaller. It's basically a method of dividing up areas of the earth for bishops to look over... that's a poor explanation. Sorry.) Some of my very dear friends were there and I wanted to see them and hang out. So, I managed to get out of work early and I sped to the dance as fast as I could. By then I was in high spirits cus I knew I would be enjoying life to the fullest for the next couple hours. Best part was that no one knew I was coming, so I surprised them all when I got there. Got some fantastic hugs from some fantastic ladies. =D And I made a new friend! Needless to say, these great people made my night... actually, my whole day... and I'm so thankful for that. Cus it was certainly a hard day to make. Thank you friends and I love you =D

...signing out.

April Fools

Signing in...

It's the first day of the month (and miraculously, I'm no longer stressed!) and seeing as it's the first of April, it's April Fools Day.

I completely forgot.

I know, it's shameful. I often am the one doing minor pranks and jokes throughout the day, so I'm a little frustrated that I completely forgot that the day was coming up. Oh well, I'm probably not gonna see many people today anyway.

I could always call my mom and tell her that the cat finally managed to knock over the TV and break it...

She would freak out. No doubt.

What kind of jokes or pranks have you played today or in the past? Love to hear 'em.

...signing out.

Epiphany - Staind

Signing in...

I felt like getting something out... but couldn't think of how. While not perfect, this song kinda voices how I'm feeling... how I've felt a lot in the past few months, though for different reasons. It's an excellent song. There's lyrics in the video.

...signing out.

Last Day of the Month

Signing in...

I hate the last day of the month. There's a million things that I have to check and double-check on before midnight hits... did I pay my bills? Did I make my deposit into my savings account? Did I apply for all the scholarships I could? Are there are other things I'm forgetting? The last day of the month is almost never an enjoyable day... but more of just a stressful one... and so I can't wait for midnight.

I'm a have-no-regrets kind of person. If I for instance didn't get something done this month that I was suppose to, once midnight hits, it doesn't matter. Sure, I'll be disappointed with myself. Sure I'll make sure to try to learn from it. But what is passed is past. No sense in brooding over it. Rather, I'm free again to be me... the guy who just likes to "go with the flow".

I feel like I've done a really good job of getting a number of things accomplished these past few days while at the same time keeping my stress levels down. (I can't stand stress. It becomes more than just a mental problem for me.) Still, today just feels overwhelming, even though I don't feel like there really is much else for me to get done. So I just want it to be over.

Over the past couple months, in tune with that "go with the flow" thought process, I've started to appreciate each moment and each day... rather than wistfully think of the future or ache for the past. As a result (and do to several other factors), I've become a much happier person over as of late. That being said, I still can't wait for midnight.

I'm good at being a hypocrite to my beliefs.

So how about you guys? Is the end of the month always stressful for you too? Is it a different day? For that matter, do you go with the flow like I do or are you more a scheduled kind of person? Well, anyway, thanks for reading. =)

P.S. I hope you like/don't mind the minor changes to the blog.

...signing out.

Daily Blogs and Thoughts on a Couple of Series

Signing in...

From this point on, I'm thinking that I might start posting daily. Doing so will make for some writing exercise and an opportunity to stretch my brain a bit. It will also keep my blog from filling up completely with oppressive thoughts.

I was gonna use the word garish where I used oppressive... then I realized that I would be completely misusing the word.

Garish is a funny word.

I've started rereading two different series. In both cases, I've read the first two books, but never got around to the third.

The first series is the Inheritance Cycle. I remember reading both Eragon and Eldest and enjoying both books, but they didn't exactly impress upon me like some other books did when I was in middle school. I'm now close to 100 pages into Eragon and I can definitely see why the books were a little less impressive to me. The book is rather obviously written by a novice writer. It lacks a certain amount of depth, or rather, doesn't portray character feelings well enough. It fails to flow and grow correctly. One example of what I found lacking was how Eragon adapted to the idea of talking to Saphira in his head. It was like he just suddenly knew what to do... too much like a kid's cartoon. Hah. (Note: I'm not saying this as a writer, but as a critical reader. I don't assume to be a better writer.) Christopher Paolini was only fifteen when he started on Eragon and was nineteen when he initially got it published, so this isn't much of a surprise. I'm interested to see how much the writing style and ability changes between Eragon and Eldest... and then if it changes even more in Brisingr. I'll be sure to post about it once I'm finished with all three.

The other series I'm rereading is The Bartimaeus Trilogy. These books, unlike The Inheritance Cycle, had a strong impression on me when I was younger. I remember finding Bartimaeus's personality and comments, both within the text and in the form of footnotes, to be highly entertaining. I remember also finding the main protagonist, Nathaniel, to be very likable. I'm currently only 30 pages into The Amulet of Samarkand, but I can already see what made these stories so enchanting. The writing is clearly on a different level than that of Eragon. It feels much less forced and I was swept into the events and the mystery of the story much more quickly. Even at page 90 of Eragon, it still feels somewhat blaa, even though a considerable amount of exciting events have already occurred. I can say that I'm much more inclined to read The Amulet of Samarkand than I am to read Eragon.

On the subject of good books, there's a whole bunch of different stories, both in the form of single novels and series, that I could recommend, but I think I'll save that for a future post. If you're looking for something to read now, though, I do recommend The Bartimaeus Trilogy. If you've read it already... then read it again. Or wait for my future post. Try The Sea of Trolls by Nancy Farmer.

Anyway, thanks for reading my post, now go read a book.

...signing out.

Happiness and... Other Stuff

Signing in...

Looking back at my posts, I don't exactly come off as very cheerful, do I? Well I'm here to reassure you that I'm a happy person. =) This becomes an outlet for my emotions... and as a result, most of what is posted is kinda depressing.

But no worries, I'm happy.

Even though I'm in the middle of trying to make a decision... possibly the most difficult one I've come across yet.

Not that it's a depressing decision, but it's difficult. I mean, you establish one train of thought for yourself when suddenly you're diverging into a whole other though process. The problem with logic is that much to often, emotions get in the way. I guess that's what makes us human... emotions are such a loose thing. I mean, they say to "follow your heart" but I feel like following your heart and following your emotions are two very different things, but despite that, sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the two.

It feels, shallow I guess, to simply follow my emotions... it doesn't feel true to myself I s'pose. That being said, emotions are by no means a bad thing. Emotions are very important. We should pay attention to them, but to what extent. What should and shouldn't I sacrifice to my emotions?

See? It's that balance between logic and emotion that is so difficult to find.

Sounds like something I should be taking to God, ya?

...signing out.

A Rough Outline of What Kind of Novel I'd Write

Signing in...

I feel like the best stories have a good balance of action, romance, and comedy. A story that focuses purely on only one of these aspects always, in my opinion, falls short of one that can properly mix the three. Action keeps the story moving, romance is the best for emotionally investing a reader, and comedy keeps the story from getting too serious... and besides, any good story is better if it made the reader/viewer laugh some.

For a good story, of course, a good plot is very important, but the key is the characters. A plot can be ingenious but it won't have near the impact if the reader can't become attached to the characters. The plot should evolve around the characters, not the other way around. Otherwise, it won't feel natural.

I believe that involving developments in the psyche of the characters is essential. The reader needs to be able to see what is driving the characters... all of the characters. This definitely includes the villain. One of the ways in which many stories lack is that the villain is not developed well enough. We realize that in the majority of stories, the villain doesn't believe that he is evil. We realize that it comes down to point of view. Unfortunately, we rarely ever figure out exactly what truly is driving the villain. Sure, we find out what exactly the villain's objective is and his reasoning for why he wants it... but we don't often find out what the real driving force is. We need inside his mind to truly understand the story as a whole.

So on that idea, the majority of this post is gonna outline the key characters I would have in my ideal novel... actually this is more of an ideal series of novels, cus there would be a considerate amount of development.

Main Protagonist. For me, the main protagonist will almost always be a guy. This is because I know I will never be able to write a female main protagonist near as well as I could a male. He is definitely far from perfect... and throughout the story he will struggle with his imperfections, but he will overcome them. This will be the main aspect that will differentiate him from "The Best Friend". At some point, he will be hindered by something that he will have to not only overcome, but harness to make him stronger. This could be either psychological or physical. Think of Venom from Spiderman... Venom made Peter stronger, but Peter couldn't control it. Eventually, he overcame it, but that's where he screwed up. He gave it up. He should have learned to control it and use the power that once cursed him. A few relationships that the main protagonist has with characters will have already been established, but many will form during the story. The ones that were already established will develop substantially. Essentially, everything in the story is connected to this one person... he is what the story rides on. This character in most cases cannot die, and if he does die, it is as the very end of the story. The story can't attempt to climax without him. If the story spans a long amount of time, then it is possible to kill this character with the intention of having a different character rise to the position of main protagonist... the new character must have adequate time to establish his place as the new main protagonist though before the story wraps up.

Main Heroine. This is the woman that the main protagonist falls in love with. (No love triangles thank you very much. There can be a little bit of love competition, but that's it... love triangles are so aggravating and at this point, very cliche.) She is attractive. Not in a sexy way but a more simple way. Her personality is very likable and she is very strong in her moral beliefs. She isn't helpless but contributes to the effort... but not so much that she is more important than the main protagonist. She must rely on the main protagonist multiple times, but at the same time, the main protagonist must end up relying on her a time or two. She likely will die. This will be the most trying point for the main protagonist as well as one of the most emotionally straining points of the story. It all goes back to how much emotion you can pull from the reader.

The Best Friend. This character is quite possibly more important to the story than the main protagonist. This is the person the Main Protagonist trusts more than anyone else in the world. Their relationship is either already established or established very early on. More than just friends, they are like brothers and are able to work together, kid with each other, and cry with each other. The best friend will be initially actually more likable than the main protagonist and have a good sense of humor. (You can't take a main protagonist seriously enough if he is also the main joker.) Like the main protagonist, he will fall in love with a woman who the readers also come to know well. This woman may even be the main heroine. (This would be the primary case of where friendly love competition would come into play. I'm not sure this would work out well enough though with how I would continue the best friend's development.) At the beginning of the story, this character would be fairly light hearted, and as I said, the source of many of the story's jokes. As the reality of what's going on in the story starts to set in, the best friend will slowly start to turn colder. The real shift won't occur until about midway through the story though, when the woman the Best Friend loved dies. Furthermore, this death won't be caused directly by the enemy, but rather as an indirect result of one of the main protagonist's faults. At this point the reader will experience the best friend's decent into anger, hatred, and madness. (Harvey Dent anyone? Less sudden than Harvey Dent though, and of course, the reader would be more invested in the best friend than most were with Harvey Dent. I mean, honestly, who cared when he died at the end of the Dark Knight?) The best friend will come out of this decent as a mere shadow of what he was. Driven by a twisted justice code (um, Harvey Dent again?), he'll have a personal vendetta against the Main Protagonist. (If the main protagonist were to die, it would be to this character.) The best friend at this point becomes the Antihero. By no means the main villain, he becomes someone the reader slowly grows to hate. Due to their past experience with the character though, the reader will always want the antihero to turn good again. But, unfortunately, it won't happen... and eventually, he'll die... to the hand of someone he once called a friend. This will be the most heart-wrenching series of the events the entire story offers.

Main Villain. As mentioned earlier, there is more to this character than the mere fact that he is the bad guy. Most likely, there will be periodic flashbacks into the character to show how he developed into the person he is in the story. The flashbacks would probably even show his childhood, where the reader won't be able to help liking the villain a little. These flashbacks will serve the purpose of showing exactly who the main villain and why he is doing what he is, but won't do enough to evoke a real sense of pity for him. The main villain must die. A story just can't wrap up perfectly enough if the villain gets to live. That also means the villain can't become good. That's just anti-climatic.

Minor Villain. Some people will hate this guy more than the main villain.

Minor Heroine. If the main heroine dies, to both the minor heroine's and the main protagonist's surprise, she will be the one to mend his broken heart. The minor heroine cannot die. Then the story just becomes plain depressing.

That's the characters that would have to be present for my story. There could be other essential characters, but they course they take throughout the story is a little less defined.

Everything is of course very flexible. Like I said, the characters shape the story... and the story evolves around them... if I were writing and realized that something is evolving differently than I initially imagined, well then so be it.

There cannot be senseless killing of characters. There's a fine line between keeping the story practical and making it dumb because a character that shouldn't have died ended up dying. In Star Wars, Obi-Wan died and Chewbaka didn't. That made sense. Killing Chewbaka would not have made the story more practical... it would have made it senseless. You just don't kill off a character like Chewbaka. In the Hunger Games trilogy, at the end there is a senseless killing. It was not expected in the slightest and with how many people had already died, was completely senseless. Anyone who has read the series should know what I'm talking about. That kind of thing does not evoke emotion from the reader but rather just makes the reader angry with the author for ruining the story. Another perhaps better know example is when the girl dies in Bridge to Terribithia. YOU DONT KILL A PRETTY LITTLE GIRL IN A STORY LIKE THAT. Geez. (I realize that the story is a tribute to a girl who died tragically like the girl did in the story, but I don't care. Write the tribute differently or something, but that was completely uncalled for.) Obviously I hate Bridge to Terribithia.

So that's the idea. There's more I'm sure, but I'm tired. Thanks for reading.

...signing out.

Home

Signing in...

Home. I don't exactly feel like I really have one. Home is much different than a house. I have a house. The place where I live on a regular basis... but a home? I'm not sure.

Ever heard the phrase "Home is where the heart is"? Well, my heart is definitely not at my current living residence. I told a friend earlier: "I miss the people who believe in me."

I have lied to my parents. On multiple occasions. Why do I lie to them? It's not that I'm trying to avoid getting in trouble. I can deal with that. Honestly, I think I simply want to avoid conflict. I also want to prove myself. I have no chance to prove myself if I'm constantly being checked in on. Of course, it's a little ironic that I'm trying to prove myself by lying...

I don't think I'm probably making any real sense. At least, what I'm trying to really say isn't prolly getting across.

Aa, this isn't helping.

...signing out.

Some Days I Feel Like I'm Going Insane

Signing in...

Today was not one of those days, mind you. (Actually, I guess I should say yesterday, since it's 2:17 in the morning.) Ahh, I take that back... in the way I'm about to explain, it was one of those days.

I probably am actually going insane. I'll end up in an asylum by the time I'm 50. I say more and more strange things... do more and more strange things when I don't have 100% control over my mind. This is often when I'm tired. That's the "crazy" kid that most people see... the tired one... the one who's not really thinking cus he's half asleep. It used to be entertaining. That was when it was more under control. Now it's just strange. I think I often freak people out. It's not a side of me that I'm particularly ashamed of. But I don't know if I like it.

I mean, for most of my life I've been the crazy, strange kid. But that was crazy and strange in a good way. This is... less of a good way.

I'm not worried about that though. I mean, it's whatever I guess. If I scare people away, that's life I guess. If I get made fun of for it, well, I'm use to being made fun of. Hell, I make fun of myself half the time.

I go insane in a completely different way when I lose control of my mind in other ways. Anger. Emotional trauma. Complete lack of sleep, not just a little bit of drowsiness or exhaustion. I lose sense of what's true and what's not true. I'm not sure who I am or who the people around me are. (Not in an amnesia kind of way.) I become overwhelmed by... well I don't know what... it starts to show physically. Through pain... through body movements. Whatever.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

I often sing when I'm not in a proper state of mind. There's a particular tune I often use... I'm not sure if it's a real one or if I made up. I actually think it's a real tune that I contorted. I'll make up words for it. Often just narrate what I'm doing. Something before me... "Chicken broth. Chicken broth with carrots. Chicken broth with carrots. Chicken broth with chicken. Chicken broth with noodles. Chicken broth with carrots. Nice, soft carrots..."

I like carrots but it's not like I have a particular obsession with them.

Don't bother me.

Here's a link to a nice eerie cover of "Sweet Dreams" that Emily Browning for the movie Sucker Punch (which is coming out today... hell ya for working at a theater and getting to see movies the night before they release.) Anyway, it's fantastic. I'm gonna be grabbing this soundtrack tomorrow morning. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcxRtLpkAkQ

.... "Some of them want to use you... some of them want to be used by you. Some of them want to abuse you... some of them want to be abused by you...."

....signing out.

I Was Always Pretty Good At Hide and Seek

Signing in...

I was excellent at hiding. I was rarely the seeker due to my hiding skill. The problem always came when the game would drag on for a little too long. There's only so many good hiding spots, and eventually, all of those end up being figured out. Taking the bad hiding spots is kind of lame. Like you want to be found. But then, sometimes you kind of do. I mean, as the game drags on, it certainly does start to get boring... sitting all alone.

I have less patience for the game now. And sometimes I make it too easy to be found. Sometimes, even though I'm suppose to be hiding, I leave a trail. I leave hints. So that I can be found. Even though I know that defeats the purpose.

I'd say it's cus hiding gets lonely. And no wants to be alone. But I'm not suppose to come out of my hiding spot. That's not the way it's suppose to be. It'd ruin the game... it'd ruin everything.

...signing out.

Insomnia and a Poem

Signing in...

So it's er... 2:36 in the morning and, like most nights, I'm still awake... quickly growing lonely. Even my cats are sleeping. Aren't they s'pose to be nocturnal?

Actually, I'm pretty sure they sleep 20 hours a day. They're awake for like 2 hours in the early morning... just when I'm falling asleep... and 2 during the afternoon.

I love those cats. They're awake a little more than that. Although I'm looking at my bed right now and seeing the sunlight shining in on a sleeping kitty in the middle of the afternoon.

Looking again, it's still nighttime.

2:40 in the morning.

I'm listening to some Rise Against, Skillet, Anberlin, Goo Goo Dolls, and a few others.

I've got the wind blowing in through my south window onto my back. It feels nice cus I'm hot otherwise.

I'm drinking a root beer. It's prolly not the best thing for helping me to sleep, what with the sugar, but at least there's no caffeine. Soda is one of my top stress relievers... relaxants... whatever. So, I made an executive decision and opened one up... As I do most nights.

You know, I probably drink at least three cans of soda a day. I guess you can probably call that an addiction. Yeah, I guess it's definitely an addiction, but it's not one I really feel like breaking. I mean, I don't feel like I exactly need to.

Just spilled my root beer. *sigh*

2:54

Spilled it on one of my favorite tee shirts. That's what I get for leaving it on the floor. I suppose it will clean.

Listening to "Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen". Fairly certain I've mentioned the song before. Good song. "Fin" is better though.

I wiped the root beer up with undershirts, by the way, hah. I dunno... guess I thought that was kinda funny. Not that I'm laughing.

Just finished the root beer... not all of it spilled out. Although the floor, and in turn the tee shirts, still got most of it.

I've had to start buying my own soda and keeping it in my room. My "secret stash" per say. My mom no longer complains about our family going through the soda at a ridiculously fast pace.

I always knew it was me.

Although I drink more soda now than I use to. Probably cus I feel less guilty about it now that I've bought it.

I seem to keep going back to the soda some way or another.

This has got to be getting boring.

Here then, I wrote this poem something like a week ago and I've decided that I like it. Ever listened to "The Autumn Effect" by 10 Years? Fantastic band. Anyway, inspiration for this poem came from that song. If you wanna listen, I recommend the piano version, although the original is still very good. I could only find live performances of it on Youtube though, fyi. Of course, more directly, inspiration came from Genesis 28: 11-19

Jacob's Ladder

Jacob, explain

how to travel this path because...

I'm afraid of getting deeper

as I'm falling, falling, falling

And the path is getting steeper

as I'm falling, falling, falling

I can't find those who are screaming

as I'm falling, falling, falling

And can't even hear the singing

as I'm falling, falling, falling

I've no sight of where I'm going

as I'm falling, falling, falling

See these weights that I am towing?

as I'm falling, falling, falling

Tell me how to climb this ladder

with my falling, falling, falling

Tell me, does it even matter?

I'll keep falling, falling, falling.

...signing out.

Undead Things Crawling All Over the Place

...or something like that.

Signing in...

Here's something I wrote simply cus I could. It's based on me and my friends when zombies attack. Everyone dies. (Just kidding.) Go read it.

The dead person climbing in through the now-broken window of his parent’s bedroom: that was Sam’s immediate problem.

Note the word immediate.

The reanimated police officer started trudging towards Paul, the closer of the two of them.

“Um, Sam?” Paul stuttered, at a loss for words.

This was a human being. Although neither of them personally knew the woman, there was no mistaking that this thing was definitely a human.

It reached out for Paul, who tried pushing it back, but it grabbed Paul’s arm and started pulling it towards its mouth.

“She’s strong!” Paul yelled, struggling to keep his arm. The zombie gnashed its teeth, inches from Paul’s flesh. No more hesitation. Sam swung; cleanly taking the undead’s head off of its body. The body immediately collapsed on the hard-wood floor. Staring at that body, Sam began to wretch.

“Could you help me with this?” asked Paul, breathing heavily as he tried to pry the dead woman’s hand off of his arm.

“Er, sure.” Sam dug his fingers underneath the zombie’s fingers. “Are the girls and my mom upstairs?”

A relatively loud snap signified breaking bones, and the hand slid away from Paul’s arm. Rubbing it, he replied, “Yeah. Keith’s with them.”

“Does he-”

“Listen!” hissed Paul.

A gentle moaning wafted in through the broken window.

“Sounds like this one,” whispered Paul, motioning to the dead zombie on the ground.

“Shit.”

“Can we block the windows?”

“Those windows are triple-pained, I believe,” replied Sam. “Anything we do won’t last long.” He looked around briefly and sighed. “We have too many damn windows anyway.”

“So what are you suggesting? Do we run?”

“I dunno where’s safe and where’s not. I know my house, though. We’ll fight them off from here. Unless you have a better idea?”

“Not exactly,” replied Paul.

“Okay, you take that gun and stay in this room. You have the best view of the street from here.” Paul hesitantly removed the 9mm from the officer’s holster and sighted it. Paul laughed, “We’d joke about how we’d be ready for a zombie invasion. Not sure I like it now.”

Sam smiled. “Good luck. Hope all that Halo and Call of Duty pays off.”

“Sam, I can already see one. It’s not heading for your house though.” Sam looked out the window.

“Shit.”

“What?”

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.”

“What?”

Ignoring Paul, Sam ran out into the great room. “JESSIE!” he yelled. “Call Molly and grab me your bow and arrows!”

Quickly, he ran back into his parent’s room. “Paul, I am counting on you to defend this house. Okay? Just for a little while.” Paul nodded and Sam left, running up to the second floor. The moment he reached the top, Kelly wrapped her arms around him.

“Now’s not the time, Kelly.”

"Ew, Kelly!" Keith said. Sam laughed.

“I know, I’m sorry,” she said as she let go. Jessie and Keith stood nearby. Jessie handed Sam the bow and arrows as she waited for their neighbor and her best friend, Molly, to pick up.

“Put it on speaker,” Sam told his younger sister, setting the weapon down on the futon in his room.

“What’s going on?,” Keith demanded. Sam held up a hand.

“In a sec. Look, I may need your help here in a minute.” Molly’s voice came on over the phone as Sam peered out his room’s window.

“Jessie!” exclaimed Molly. “Are you okay? This man came in but he was acting funny and he bit Sugar and-“

Sam yelled into the phone. “Where’s the man now? Has anyone besides Sugar been hurt?”

“N-no,” she stuttered. “Ben hit him over the head with a skillet. He’s not moving.”

“Good. Get as far away from him as possible. Don’t go outside. We’re coming to get you guys. Stay away from Sugar too. How is she?”

“She’s licking her bite.”

“I need your phone,” Sam said to Jessie. Turning it back off speaker, he held it up to his ear and continued. “We’re gonna be there soon. I’m gonna stay on the line. Let me know if anything changes.”

“So, what the hell are we doing?” asked Keith.

“Keen on going out there?” asked Sam, handing the phone to him. “Listen, will ya?”

Keith took it. “Guess so. What are they?”

“Zombies?” shrugged Sam as he started climbing a ladder into a miniature loft in his room. “At least, that’s kinda what I hope they are. Otherwise…” he trailed off as he paused and looked down to where the body of the policewoman would be one floor below. He crawled into his loft, a small space above his sister’s closet, which neighbored his own room. Jessie had a near identical loft in her room which was built above his own closet. Reaching into a space where the floor of the loft and the wall did not quite meet, he pulled out a box of 9mm bullets. He handed it down to Keith.

“Give this box to Paul downstairs. Please don’t ask questions right now. I’ll meet you down there.”

Keith’s eyes widened but he did not say anything. After he left the room, Sam pulled out another box of identical ammo and dropped 8 rounds into his pocket. Then he pulled out a gun. AS he climbed back down the ladder, his mom spoke up for the first time.

“Where did you get that?” she demanded.

“Now’s not the time, Mom.” Speaking to all the girls now, he continued, “Stay up here. No matter what, don’t go down the stairs. If you need to escape, go through the windows and get away through the back. Jessie, that bow is your best defense, but don’t be hasty to use it. The best thing you all can do right now is stay calm. We don’t know what’s going on right now. Oh, and try contacting Dad please. I’ll be back soon.”

He turned to go down stairs, but Kelly stopped him. Before she could say anything, he cut her off. “I have to go and I have to go now. Bye for now. I love you.”

Downstairs, Sam approached Paul and Keith back in his parent’s room. “Paul. I’m leaving protection of the house and the girls to you. Keith and I will be back soon with a few more people. Have you seen anymore?”

“Yeah, none have come this way, though. They headed towards other houses.”

“Damn. Well, we’ll be back soon. Good luck.”

Handing his gun to Keith, Sam hefted the axe over his shoulder. “It’s called a High Point C9 Compact. It’s a cheap gun but it works well and is entirely American made.” Pulling out the bullets that he had slid into his pocket earlier, he handed them also to Keith as he continued, “That’s enough rounds for another clip, giving you sixteen shots total. Just cus I’ve got more ammo upstairs doesn’t mean we should waste it. Let’s go.”

Keith nodded and the two of them headed towards the front door of the house. Back on the phone, Sam said, “Molly, can you put Ben on the phone?”

“Yeah.” After a pause, Ben’s voice came over shakily, “Hey Sam.”

“Hey Ben, we’re coming. Just hold tight.”

...signing out.

The Visible Darkness (of Hell)

Signing in...

This was my response to a question in my English class concerning John Milton's Paradise Lost.

The question was this: Line 63 says that the fire of Hell has no light, but "darkness visible." This phrase seems to contradict itself. What do you think Milton means?

Here was my answer. I think I started rambling a bit, hopefully you can follow my train of thought.

In this line, darkness means more than merely the lack of light. The darkness mentioned is evil manifest. The darkness visible is less of something that can be seen with the eye and more of something that is seen, or felt with the soul.

There's a simple logic that can be followed to determine what Hell is. All things that God has made are good. Although many of these good things have been corrupted by sin (this includes Lucifer and the demons), they are still good at their roots. Hell is the lack of all that is good.

Putting these two facts together brings about the following conclusion: Since Hell lacks all that is good, and everything God has created is good, then Hell is nothing. More specifically, Hell is the lack of essence to make it something and only contains those that have condemned their selves to it's existence. If Hell is "anything" at all, then it is purely sin. It is the very essence of sin, or evil.

To go a little deeper, think of this. There is God. God is love. Think carefully about that statement. God equals love. He is love. God and love are one in the same. In complete opposition to love, or God, is Sin. Now, everything we experience (except the effects of Sin) is creation. Creation is made by God. This includes people, angels, animals, inanimate objects, space, time, feelings, thoughts, etc. Parts of this creation were corrupted by Sin, most importantly, Lucifer (the devil) who became Sin's herald to the rest of creation. Lucifer brought Sin's corruption to the other demons (who were angels, like Lucifer [which means light-bearer]) as well as to man-kind, who in turn brought Sin to the rest of creation.

Keep in mind, God and Sin are far beyond complete human comprehension, or even an adequate partial comprehension. Here's an analogy to help understand my thoughts. There is that which is Truth and that which is False. If it is not Truth, then is False. God equals Truth. In turn, Sin equals False. Lucifer chose to oppose God, who is Truth, and so fell into that which is False, or into Sin. Lucifer tempted Mankind to follow what was False instead of what was Truth (with a lie of course) in order to steal man away from God, or Truth.

To get back to the original idea then, the fire of Hell is the complete absence of good, aka Love, aka God. Of course, this fire puts off no light since light is both symbolically and literally good. The darkness visible then is, again, the "pain" of the absence of good. This complete absence is a reality that we could never even begin to comprehend within this realm.

Another way of thinking about it is that evil, aka darkness, is something that you can "see" when it is performed.

Make sense?

--

That's the end of my answer, if you didn't already figure that out. It should be noted that I'm a Roman Catholic and everything I said is based upon both things I know as a Catholic man and things I've speculated upon as a Catholic man. I'd be intrigued to hear what you guys think on the idea.

Thx.

...Signing out.